No tags yet.
i can physically see the cracks of my earth trembling to the ground with fear. there is destruction in my heart; my soul is simply captivated and consumed with sorrow. my whole body aches with desperation for a glimpse of light. i am hurt, destroyed, fragile, and broken like i have never been before.
there is no beauty in this.
life is quite frankly, ugly.
no one wants to hear about the 17 year old who is a disaster because it is just "overreacting".
but these are real struggles that deserve to be brought to light. this is not just about me, this is about the people that see obliteration in their world. this is not me complaining, this is the truth behind a society that believes covering up the issues and holes will eventually make them go away. this is deeper than the depth of my skin, this is rooted deep into my soul that aches with pain where joy can no longer sprout from. this is for the hearts whom are silenced by the echoes of their minds. this is a voice to those who can no longer seek after the light because the darkness clouds the most beautiful rays of sunshine. this is for the people who have felt the coldness of a kitchen floor with tears straining their cheeks because they are too fragile to continue. this is reality, this is the everyday life of way too many people. this is me aching to reach my hand out and replenish life and joy for someone.
but how can i heal someone else when i cannot even heal myself?
it is hard to say you are broken.
it is hard to admit there is pain in the depths of your bones you did not even know were there.
but here is this and there is me;
being vulnerable and exposing yourself to a broken word is not enjoyable. it is hard and earth-shattering to attempt to put words to thoughts that seem to be never ending. but i will continue to express the true rawness of being human. because truly, there is beauty in suffering. there is beauty in destruction. sometimes the prettiest of flowers grow in the cracks of the earth. i will continue to place my fears aside and speak when i have no voice. it is so hard to write about my life and my personal experiences. but i do it because with every glimpse of heartbreak i feel, and every ping of loneliness that suffocates the life out of me; i want to give this to those who struggle in hopes that maybe one day, they can see the beauty in life after all.
it is hard to accept that truth.
and here's my truth.
this past month, i have stared loneliness straight in the face. i have struggled with social anxiety and connection issues. i have accepted that i need further help to calm my mental instabilities. i have witnessed the tears of my mother terrified to face unfair health risks. i have seen a hospital room with IV's attached into my arms while my brain pounds against my skull. i have felt my heart shatter as friends have betrayed me. i have dealt with the constant fear of men due to unwelcome experiences. i have felt unworthy and inferior to others because of constant comparison. i have been labeled as the second-option too many times. i have struggled this whole month, and it has been so dearly unattractive.
and even more truth: i am so angry at God.
it is so hard to love Him right now. God has destroyed me, wrecked me, ringed me out, and sent my heart in a 360 degree turn. i am disappointed at Him for thinking i am strong enough to bear these burdens when i am most fragile. i am frustrated that the plans he has for me are hard and difficult to overcome. i am completely and utterly stunned that my Lord and Savior is watching my heart break and my soul screech with pain. i am so angry at Him.
but He says so tenderly, "its okay, you can be mad at me. i can handle it."
and then i take a step back, i rest on the back of my heels and attempt to see myself from His view. in His eyes, i am not broken; i am blossoming and my tears are watering my growth. He sees me as something i could never see myself as: whole. it is so easy to tell myself lies, to let my insecurities run wild in my veins. the hard part is believing God's truth. though this pain feels endless, and my heart feels hopeless - God has been faithful and has shown me the power of love and joy in liberating ways, ways that are healing me beyond my horizons. God is still seeking after my brokenness, restoring me. He is pouring an abundant amount of life in me where i feel nothing but death.
because really,
there is no such thing as an ugly struggle,
this is just the truth of beauty.
