No tags yet.
i have no idea where i am.
i have been intimate with my bed for too many hours, heard too many songs without listening, seen the same pictures on Instagram too many times. and the truth is, coming home from a developing country is not easy. it is heartbreaking and difficult to adjust to the lifestyle i once knew. i feel broken ; like my heart is glass and each little piece is shattered and stabbing my skin from the inside out. i am battling inconsistency and doubts that i am making a difference here. my soul and heart are in a country that my body and mind are not. there are countless days i awake and am desperate to hold a child that desires my love. my heart aches to be surrounded by 24 other people in the presence of constant love and endless friendship. i crave the days that were spent with overflowing laughter that seeped from broken children into my imperfect being. i often ponder about the tiny infants i met because i truly miss the way they danced so carelessly and freely in my heart. i am suffocated by the truths of the world that never satisfy my heart. simply because the world entices my flesh but never embraces my soul. i am no longer experiencing the mission field face first, rather falling into the feelings of loneliness.
but it is more than that. God is more than that.
this is what it is like to be completely broken when i thought i would be whole.
this is how it feels to be covered in a blanket of raw emotions.
this is the beauty of discovering loneliness with discomfort and finding comfort in God.
this is the face of a girl who has not showered because feeling fresh and new is a foreign scent.
He wants me to submerge myself into His trust with no borders. God reminds me in the midst of an awkward transition that i am impacting the world by showing His love and His grace. He empties His heart and His words into my soul that feel so empty. the Lord envelopes me into His embrace with the sweetest comfort and tenderness. it is the most painful kind of agony and i am deeply fighting the lies that tell me i am alone. i have no idea where the next step is or where i am supposed to go...
but i have to remember...
He is God, and i am not.
"Sometimes God completely breaks you in order for you to completely trust in Him."
